Magical, strange, and all-around fantastic schools

In less than a week, the day all parents have been waiting for arrives: nearly a million schoolchildren in the Czech Republic head back to their institutions. Some for the first time, some for the last, some begrudgingly, and—especially the younger, less experienced ones—with genuine enthusiasm. Teachers are counting their gray hairs, and parents are looking forward to finally getting some work done.

We have all sorts of schools. You can entrust your child to the standard school system, look for an alternative school, or throw some extra cash at a private institution and hope for an above-average result. No matter where you send your fresh, ideal-filled little student, it’s quite possible that if they had the choice, they’d pick a completely different school…

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

Currently the most popular educational facility in the entire multiverse, with over a thousand years of history, it’s a dream come true for many a school-age youngster. Who wouldn't want to attend its famous houses? To be sorted by a talking hat and look forward to flying lessons on a broomstick and brewing potions? With a vocational certificate in magic, you can get a job anywhere you please…

It might surprise some, but let me tell you a secret verified by personal experience: children are naive. Just imagine everything that could happen to your beloved offspring while studying at Hogwarts. The dangers they face!

Falling off a broom, accidental ingestion of a deadly potion, petrification—they could be attacked by a troll, spiders, trees, werewolves, the caretaker, a horrible woman in pink, a basilisk, a runaway house-elf, or even the teacher themselves. Things are constantly exploding, dragons are destroying roofs, life-threatening tournaments are held, physical punishments are used, and the stairs do whatever they want. If the child is lucky enough to survive all this, a bitter, nose-less former student shows up to work through their complexes.

And I ask you, do you really want to jeopardize your child's future by sending them to such a school? Wouldn't it be wiser to send them somewhere else?

Nevermore Academy

By enrolling your child in Nevermore Academy, founded in 1791, you’re jumping from the frying pan into the fire. The mere fact that the school focuses primarily on all the outcasts, monsters, freaks, and students with supernatural abilities should raise some eyebrows. It might sound romantic to have vampires, werewolves, or sirens as classmates. From a practical standpoint, however, it’s no prize. Your child gets a paper cut, a drop of blood spills, and classmate Pete the Vampire starts getting twitchy.

A sleepover under the open sky during a full moon can also go south pretty quickly. And on top of all that, there’s a hand running around the school, sticking its fingers into everything—and who knows what it’s been touching!

Xavier's Institute

Do you suspect your child is a bit… odd? Can they do something unexpected that scares the neighbors, or do they just look different? Uncle Xavier has the solution! Enroll them in a private school where they know how to handle it. But there’s a catch. The school is attacked every other day by even weirder enemies and aliens. And worse yet, even the headmaster is a bit strange. At first glance, he’s a decent guy in a wheelchair who supports student inclusion, but it’s hard to hide a single thought from him. His telepathic abilities make it impossible to cheat or blame your homework on the dog or a younger sibling. Plus, it’s quite likely that instead of a school, he’s building his own super-army…

When we look at the brochures of other similarly focused schools and academies, it seems a military career has better prospects than, say, studying accounting or marketing.

And you have even more options—Starfleet Academy (if you like pajamas), Battle School (which little Ender attended), The Jaeger Academy (if your child likes playing with robots the size of a house), or the Jedi Academy and the Imperial Academy (both known for their brutal inter-school tournaments). Your child will gain power, experience, and become a dangerous killer. But do you really want a teenager trained like that at home?

Unseen University

This is the institution I would attend if I had the chance. Yes, there are certain risks here too. You might be attacked by a feral grimoire, shopping carts, or the bathroom of Damned Fool Johnson; you could fall into hell, onto another continent, or off the famous tower of Unseen University, which doesn't look that high from the ground, but you’ll be falling for a long time from the top. The biggest risk, however, is forgetting to return a book to the university library. The Librarian really doesn't like that, which he regularly shows with a nasty grimace highlighting his large, sharp yellow teeth. He doesn't like that! But he does like bananas!

However, if we properly warn the new student about all the risks, studying at this university seems quite idyllic. Just choose a reasonable and undemanding subject (studies in Vague Foggy Studies, Unfocused Thinking, or Vengeful Astronomy are obvious choices), stay away from magic-spewing and chain-bound books, and enjoy the opulent dinners and working with ant-powered computers. With a bit of luck, the student will survive until graduation in peace and can proudly wear a wizard's hat. I’d like that…

author Karel Krajča