Which alien would abduct you?

It's a classic sci-fi cliché. In the middle of the night, your car radio starts crackling, the engine dies, and a powerful beam of light descends from the otherwise dark sky as an unknown force pulls you upward. You're being abducted by aliens! Get ready for a trip full of experiences, mostly consisting of a detailed examination of your bodily orifices. Luckily, you probably won't remember it. What is certain, however, is that you're in for a life as a weirdo whom no one takes seriously (even though people believe all sorts of things these days…).

The UFO abduction phenomenon began spreading among conspiracy theorists in the 1960s in the USA. It was the Cold War era; Soviet satellites were flying overhead, atomic apocalypse was looming, and the Apollo program was kicking off. People looked at the night sky more often, wondering what was up there. Despite all scientific efforts, we haven't discovered the “truth out there,” and at least in our galaxy, there are no signs of intelligent life. Or we just haven't noticed them yet.

The universe is a huge place. It's hard for any of us to imagine its scale. With our current knowledge of physics, traveling through space is a tough nut to crack. After all, it takes light such an incredibly long time. The idea of aliens visiting us regularly is, unfortunately, very unlikely. And besides, if someone actually made it here, they would hardly be satisfied with poking random people in the butt and then disappearing. Yeah, reality is cruel. But we read and love fantasy precisely so we don't have to bother with reality.

Aliens, ufos, space tourists, visitors—in short, space creeps—are popular sci-fi beings. We love them. Those big bulging eyes, tentacles, cute drooling mouths! We all have our favorites. We've selected a few of them and will show abduction-prone readers what they would be in for if they met them. After all, we celebrate Alien Abduction Day on March 20th.

Predator

This humanoid hunk with green blood and a fancy mask is ideal for active people who aren't afraid of physical exertion and don't mind spending their free time in the jungle, knee-deep in mud and their friends' entrails. Predators love a challenge. They are hunters—aggressive and intelligent. If you're the type of person who chooses sitting comfortably in front of the TV over sports, you'd better look elsewhere. You're not prey for a Predator. It would just click its mandibles at you in contempt.

Predator is an icon that has appeared in several movies, video games, books, and comics, and its popularity endures. He's a tech-loaded badass who, fortunately, hides his ugly mug behind a mask. His mandatory gear includes various blades, stabbing and throwing weapons, a plasma cannon with a targeting system, and if things really get tough, he'll deploy an effective self-destruct sequence.

His father, American special effects specialist Stan Winston (who worked on Terminator, Alien, Iron Man, and Jurassic Park, among others), breathed life into a character that rightfully earned a permanent place in pop culture. It's a good thing they didn't stick to the original plans, where the Predator was supposed to be a creature with a long neck, a dog's head, and one eye, or a small ninja guy played by Van Damme.

If a Predator decides to abduct you, you're in trouble. You'd have to be a truly ripped, heavily armed badass to talk him out of it. The advantage is that Predators don't care about your anal orifices. They collect skulls with spines instead…

Alien

Since we've mentioned the Predator, we shouldn't forget the beloved xenomorph. This living work of Swiss sculptor and painter H. R. Giger drooled its way into history in 1979, thanks to Ridley Scott's amazing sci-fi horror. The Alien is a species that evolution (let's leave the crazy and illogical nonsense from the Prometheus and Covenant movies aside) equipped with everything necessary for hunting and survival. It has claws, a long tail, tough skin, acid instead of blood, strength, agility, and terrifying teeth. To make its smile perfect, it has an extra set of jaws in reserve, just in case. Simply a beauty!

Aliens are made for abducting people. They won't abduct you with a tractor beam, but they know how to leave their eggs in convenient places. One moment of carelessness or curiosity is enough, the egg opens, and bam—you've got a Facehugger on your face, which implants eggs inside you. Then you just have to wait. In general, Aliens are very patient creatures. But once they start moving, you need to be afraid. An encounter with Aliens is a challenge that not even the main heroine of the films, Ellen Ripley, survived in the end. If you do manage to defeat an Alien, one of its siblings is right there to go complain to mommy. And that's really something!

The Alien is simply a troublesome brat. Plus, as luck would have it, it belongs to the species that is obsessed with bodily orifices, as they are an integral part of their life cycle.

The Thing

So far, it looks like every alien you run into is going to be after you. The Thing is no exception! And it goes about it quite insidiously. It's like a space cold. A highly contagious germ that quickly takes over a host and waits to spread. You won't recognize the infected at first. They act normal; the only suspicious thing is that they avoid heat and suffer from a surprisingly strong allergic reaction to flamethrowers. Then they unexpectedly start changing into something that has tentacles, eyes in weird places on the body—just something that would give any anatomist a headache.

Based on John W. Campbell's short novella Who Goes There?, three films were made. The most famous (and best) is definitely the 1982 film adaptation by John Carpenter. Even by today's standards, it's a beautifully functioning survival horror about a group of scientists in Antarctica who come into contact with an extraterrestrial organism that starts coming after them pretty soon. The atmosphere thickens, everyone is a suspect, and the only one who can save the day is Kurt Russell. However, once you encounter The Thing, you'll have a problem. Kurt isn't usually available, and you don't typically find a flamethrower at a hardware store. Definitely keep your hands off The Thing!

Chewbacca

Not every alien flying by wants to get you at all costs. Fortunately, there are also a number of relatively peaceful alien species. The world of Star Wars is full of them. But if we have to pick one, it will definitely be this famous Wookiee, the partner of another alien, Han Solo. An encounter with Chewbacca doesn't have to end with your head being ripped off if you treat him as an equal. Wookiees are strong, intelligent, and very pleasant to the touch. Just look at all that hair they leave everywhere…

Getting abducted by a Wookiee isn't a bad experience if you have enough patience and manage to tame him. Your reward could be a trip across the galaxy and a partner for life.

Alf

Chewbacca from Wish? That's Gordon Shumway, whom the world knows better by the nickname Alf (Alien Life Form). He's an alien from the planet Melmac and also a character from a sitcom that was popular here in the nineties. Alf didn't originally come to Earth to abduct anyone. At least not humans. He followed a signal from Earth and crashed into the garage of an average American family, where he started causing all sorts of trouble. You see, Alf isn't exactly the brightest, and his behavior brings nothing but worries. But that just made him all the more fun to watch.

Alf gradually faded from the spotlight. Despite several attempts at a revival, he remained in the hearts of the older generation primarily. Which is perhaps a shame. Alf had charisma, and all he needed to be happy was a few cats for a snack…

Camille

The guys from Red Dwarf aren't afraid of strange life forms; on the contrary. They have plenty of experience with them. In fact, they haven't actually met aliens. Over the three million years that humanity has been flying through space, it has developed a number of its own strange creatures. Take a Polymorph, for example, which can turn into anything and feeds on such a useless thing as emotions. That can be a very useful trait. The encounter with the Kinitawowi didn't go exactly according to plan either…

If I had to be abducted, I would choose Camille. Camille is a GELF—a Genetically Engineered Life Form designed to appear to each individual as the object of their desire. Who wouldn't want to meet their perfect match? Yes, it has its downsides. In reality, Camille looks like a pile of manure with tentacles and one eye. But so what! Nobody's perfect!

As you can see, an alien abduction can turn out any which way. It always depends on which species you happen to run into. It doesn't have to end with just a check of your bodily orifices and memory erasure. The pop-culture universe is full of monsters that will be out for your neck. But you might also run into some beneficial ones. Someone like Superman or Spock integrated into our society quite well. On the other hand, someone like Thanos and his “everything for half price” campaign can be a problem. Alien motivations can simply vary. But no matter which corner of the universe you look into, always, and I mean always, stay away from Vogons!

author Karel Krajča