The long-awaited Game of Thrones sequel is finally here!

(April Fools' article)

The last installment of A Song of Ice and Fire, titled A Dance with Dragons, was originally published on July 12, 2011. Just a few months later, author George R. R. Martin began promising sequels in the form of The Winds of Winter and A Dream of Spring. Since then, updates occasionally surface claiming he is still writing, having trouble writing, rewriting the whole thing, or simply stalling and making promises.

When HBO started producing the series adaptation of this fantasy epic, they probably didn't expect to finish the show before the source material was ready. In the end, they practically had to invent the climax of the entire story themselves (and it showed).

It doesn't seem to bother the author, though… Instead of a sequel, he managed to work on about 15 other projects! He published several novellas, did voice acting for a few animated shows, produced other series, collaborated on the video game Elden Ring, and regularly visited the catering tables at every possible convention and fan gathering. Readers of the saga are left waiting, begging, pleading, and threatening just to finally get a proper authorial continuation of the saga, find out who else dies, if anyone survives at all, and whether the legendary gardener or some other vermin is to blame for everything.

This is no way for a responsible writer to treat their fans. It was only a matter of time before someone lost their nerve, slammed their fist on the table, and shouted the famous "Enough!" to the world.

That brave soul is Karel Krajča. You might know this still relatively young author from the pages of imago as a blog writer, creator of visual materials, banners, and increasingly popular newsletters that even the Pulitzer Prize committee is starting to whisper about (that's only according to Karel, but anything is possible these days…). He worked in secret during his free time while waiting for some clever AI to do all the work for him, locked himself in the bathroom for suspiciously long periods, and dedicated all his spare time to a single goal: ending this agonizing wait and giving fans what they want.

Let's ask Karel how he feels about his work V zimě to fouká (It Blows in Winter) and what we can expect from this masterpiece!

Why did you decide to finish the A Song of Ice and Fire saga instead of its original author?

I didn't want another generation of readers to grow up in a world that doesn't know how it all ends. It's not nice of Martin to let so many of his fans pass away without reading the ending. For over twenty years, the author has been claiming that "winter is coming," and I was just tired of waiting.

What did your writing process involve? Did you have to study the previous books for a long time to make sure everything fit and you didn't forget anything?

I've never read the books. Who reads books these days? I drew my source material mainly from Facebook and TikTok. Those are the media that move the world today. Everyone can find community-verified information there that they can rely on.

Don't you think that as a writer, you should have read at least one book?

Books are a dead medium! How can any author think they're going to force their dubious opinion on you! Franta on Facebook wrote that everyone has their own opinion and we have to accept that. Unfortunately, I accidentally reacted with a sad emoji and he blocked me. So, I don't know how the whole discussion ended, but Franta is right.

Isn't it a bit of a paradox, given that you ended up writing a book yourself?

I don't think so. Today, it's important for a book to have a nice cover and be nice and thick. Every proper influencer immediately understands it's an exceptional work without bothering with its content.

So, about your book V zimě to fouká. George Martin claimed he had written over a thousand pages. How many pages does your version have?

2683.

Isn't that too much?

Just right. I needed a number that would look good in promotional materials and reel captions.

What would you reveal to readers about the book's story?

First of all, I had to fix all the mistakes my colleague George made in the original story. The Starks gave me the most work. This ungrateful bunch just unnecessarily produced a war with the army of White Walkers through their defense and desire to defeat them. White Walkers are actually just victims of a forced vaccination campaign originally pushed by Aerys Targaryen.

Which character gave you the most trouble?

Definitely Hodor. With him, you can really tell how George wanted to save himself some work and just had him say one word over and over. That was frankly embarrassing. The education system in Westeros isn't inclusive at all. In my version, Hodor enrolls in a special school and after five years, he even learns a second word.

Will you reveal it to us?

Sure! It's the word "Kňurk" (Grunt). Fans on TikTok will soon find out that it gives the whole story much more dynamics and becomes one of the main pillars of the entire plot. I hope I'm not revealing too much, but honestly, the word "kňurk" is the most frequent word in the entire text. I'm proud of that, and I'm surprised George didn't think of it. And he calls himself a great writer!

Fans will surely be interested in how much sex will be in the sequel.

Oh boy! George didn't skimp on sex in the books, but he still had unnecessarily many dialogues and dead spots where no one was sleeping with anyone. That was a big mistake in my opinion. Sex sells! So, my book will have 69% more sex. It even gets to Arya Stark, who will have sexual intercourse with Tyrion Lannister. The entire chapters 4 through 16 are dedicated to that.

I can't help but ask a few specific questions about the story. Readers have waited so long that they'll hopefully forgive any potential spoilers.

Readers don't need to worry about spoilers. Although I thought for a long time about how much time the characters would save if they used cars with proper spoilers instead of horses, I then realized that Tyrion Lannister wouldn't reach the pedals, and that wouldn't make sense.

SPOILER ALERT ⚠️ If you want to read below, prepare yourself for revelations of part of the plot from Game of Thrones / A Song of Ice and Fire.

In the series, one of the dragons takes care of breaking the Wall, dies, and is subsequently ridden by the Night King. However, in the last book, the Wall was still standing and the dragon in question is also alive. Will the Wall fall in the sequel to the book series, and who will break it? And what about Viserion?

I knew the Wall was one of the fundamental motifs of Game of Thrones. It's also interesting because no one knows how Brandon the Builder actually built it. Why are there no windows in it? Did it pass inspection? Building walls is popular these days. It turns out that walls beautifully separate the "right" people from the "ugly" people, the wretches who just want better living conditions. Disgusting. I left the Wall standing. The Night King will have to go about it differently.

How?

Jon Snow, who, as is his good habit, knows nothing, lets a group of White Walkers through the Wall who just happened to get their food handler's license. In Flea Bottom, they apply for forged work visas so they can start selling undead ice cream in King's Landing. Highly addictive undead ice cream, thanks to which he remotely controls his customers. Unfortunately, the gentlemen in King's Landing started to suspect something, imposed tariffs on the ice cream, and thus began a trade war that continued for another five hundred years.

And what about the dragons and Daenerys Targaryen?

I wanted to bring more logic and reality into the story. Dragons didn't fit into this concept at all. So, I solved this problem right in the first paragraph of my work. The dragon Rhaegal eats Daenerys, when Viserion sees it, he eats Rhaegala. Drogon watches the whole thing, then eats Viserion. An overstuffed Drogon then tries to fly away in shame, but crashes to the ground and explodes in a cloud of intestinal gases.

Will Bran take on the role of the Three-Eyed Raven after the Bloodraven, who is already too old? Or will it turn out completely differently?

Yes, I kept this arc in almost its original form. Only the ravens didn't fit for me. They aren't the cute animals at all that you can make plushies and various merchandising out of. And then it hit me. A gerbil! That's a cute animal that will look good with three little eyes. Bran thus gains the important role of the Three-Eyed Gerbil.

And what about Lady Stoneheart? The series creators completely cut this undead variant of Catelyn Stark from the story. What about you?

I kept her in. I needed an interesting villain. And what's scarier than a pissed-off woman? An undead pissed-off woman!

So when can we look forward to the novel V zimě to fouká? When will the book be released?

It's already out.

Seriously?

Yes, you can order it on the imago e-shop today!

author Karel Krajča